A Course In Miracles

For the first time in my life, and I feel a little pompous saying this, but for the first time in my life I feel like I know the answers to the 2 greatest mysteries of all time. I am referring of course acim online to the questions “Who am I?” and “Why am I here?”



For most, if not all, of my life I have experienced some form of confusion, anxiety and depression. When I was about 22 years old I tried killing myself. I felt isolated, separate and desperate to be approved of by others and society in general. I was uncomfortable in my own skin and I would lightly self medicate with food, alcohol, drugs and pornography. Not so much that it seemed like I had a problem, but enough to take the edge off of resisting life.



On the outside I looked good, though, and I used this as a way to feel better about myself as well. I knew I was relatively good looking, charming, had a way with words and came across as a very nice and kind young man. I usually had plenty of money, and if I didn’t I was good at getting it.



When I communicated with people, I would say things with specific words and in such a way to get them to like me, as opposed to sincere authentic communication. When trying new projects, whether career oriented or hobby, I always quit when the discomfort got to a certain point. When I was completely honest , I could see that I despised myself.



It wasn’t all negative, I’ve had amazing experiences and been blessed with deep friendships and people that genuinely care for me. And for as long as I can remember, despite the anxiety and depression, I’ve sensed a light within. I could sense my own divinity but it felt so faint and distant. It was there constantly, though, which was part of the problem. Deep inside I could feel this purpose, this recognition of my real self, this connection to God and power and Love. But sensing that light within while feeling depressed and anxious and failing or quitting at everything I tried had my self esteem at an all time low and I was ready to give up on life.



This giving up wasn’t another suicide attempt, it would be to quit striving looking for that light. It would be to find an attractive woman for a wife, get a safe cushy corporate job, buy a house and learn about retirement saving and mortgage rates and take yearly vacations and buy too much shit I didn’t need.



Then, I found a course in miracles online (now referred to as ACIM or The Course) and everything changed. I first got the download of what The Course was saying by reading the book called Disappearance of the Universe (DOTU) by Gary Renard. I was also blessed to be surrounded by a community of people that were also studying The Course and received some great tips and advice which I’ll briefly mention in a bit. The first piece of advice, though, was to read that book.



From reading DOTA, I learned (or was reminded of) that this reality, including Earth and the entire universe, was not created by God. Now, I was raised Christian-Lite, meaning our parents took us to church and Sunday School, but I could see that they took us out of duty more than reverence and faith. They were simply fulfilling their parental obligations of letting organized religion teach their kids about right & wrong. Reading that God did not create this reality lined up with the very reasons why I ultimately turned my back on organized religion. There were too many unanswered questions and contradictions. To me, The Course is free of unanswered questions and contradictions. I was reminded that WE (you and me and everyone else, together as One) have made this dream world to hide from God because we believe, incorrectly, that we have somehow separated from God.



I get that this may sound outlandish, but the purpose of this writing is not to sell anyone on The Course, nor is it to go into detail explaining what the course is, I just felt inspired to share how ACIM has guided me in healing the blocks, or wounds, in my mind. Once I got that I am the one projecting my reality, and that ALL of my guilt (and all negative versions of this guilt — shame, fear, hate, all of it) stemmed from believing I had separated from God, from my source. I got deeper in my studies of The Course and I could see that this was like a mental map, a map into the subconscious complete with the promise that all my pain could be handed over to Spirit.




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